Thursday, October 15, 2009

Day 5

I am so tired tonight. It has been a big week. And I have to drive tomorrow for an hour to go to supervision, and then its therapy day. Thank goodness. I haven't been to see my therapist for quite a few weeks. We just couldn't make it happen, hence the break, but now I am going and it is quite a relief. Most of the time I like going to therapy. It must be what Catholics like about confession, ha except I am the only one who can forgive myself for my sins. I could say therapy is all about me but there are quite a few other personalities in the room. First of all there is my feelings as well. They push their way through the door along with my emotions, and my anxiety and my guilt. I go to sit on the chair but they race me there and are quick to eject me when they think it is their turn to get a hearing. After an hour I find it to be cathartic but at the time it can be an ordeal. Once I remember bursting into tears, and through hicups and deep breaths crying to my therapist that she must hate me coming and that I must be her worst client. She was quick to reasure me that I was not her worst client and I was to believe her when she said that some she dreaded, but I was not one of them.
As all my problems and my first family are laid out on the floor, the table, the window sill, (they take up a lot of room) and myself at all the ages I ever been, I guess its a bit like in the moments before you die and your life flashes before your eyes, except you dont die, I have to pick myself up and go out and face the world again. But by the time the hour is up it is generally ok to do that even tho I would hardly think so at half time.
So, pretty proud of myself today, got up at 6am and went to my pump class. And I feel so much better for it. In fact despite the tiredness I feel at the moment, I feel fabulous and fantastic.
So until next time

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